Free Food!!

It's the departmental BBQ today. I thought I was early, I wasn't. But I still got my food. So yay for me! :)

Anyway, I'm feeling quite a lot better about my research today. :) Possibly because once I've implemented the "thing" (remember, I'm not supposed to talk about my research :P) I know that at least it's started, and I can actually start doing something about it. Nothing's worse than no knowing what to do next, and I think I'm slowly getting there.

I was looking at Friendsters before to have to look at who I can find there, through friends and friends of friends and all. It's amazing what kinda of people you find there, especially when you find people whom you lost contact with ages ago. Curiousity prompt me to at least send these people a "hi" message. But meh, I don't even know if they WANT to get in contact with me anyway. :P

Which got me thinking, how would people whom I lost contact with see me as I am now? Did I actually change much? Or did I just more or less stay where I was? Would they kidna expect me to land where I am now, or would it be completely out of the blue? Have I actually gone as far as I think I've gone?

One thing for sure though: I know I was scared of the integral sign back then, and now they're my friends! :P

Okay, maybe not "friends". Close enough. :)

I'm a little pea

I can't believe Petey wrote an entry just to cheer me up. *sigh*. That boy is unbelievable sometimes.

I think it's a very bad mix of disappointment and just a sense of loss recently. Somehow I can't seem to think I can do whatever it is that I need to do. It just seems like I'm "faking it" all the time, tricking people into thinking I know what I'm talking about.

Right now, I'm just tired. I wish I know how I'm actually doing sometimes. But then any measurement is subjective really isn't it? You cannot judge someone's achievement objectively, that just doesn't work.

Why is it I constantly crave recognition I'm not too sure. I just know that if I don't do well then I'm a failure. Blame it on my oh-so-wonderful fatehr who drilled it into me since I'm a kid that I have to be the best in everything.

And right now, I'm just really tired.

Nerves

I don't know why I'm nervous about tonight. It's only a prize giving thing for the poster competition. If I don't expect to win anything, I won't get disappointed. But you can't help but to expect to win something when you enter I guess. Somewhere deep down I still hope I'll win something I guess.

Spent the day so far doing nothing, and just reading and finding out what I have to do. Also went up to the robotics lab to muck around. :P Played some games on the PSP, and watched the first bit of the first episode of the new season of Lost :D (Yes Petey, I know what's in the hatch now. :P But I won't tell you don't worry :P)

Right, hopefully today I can at least get a little bit of coding done. :) Other than that, at least it'd be nice to do SOMETHING today... even if it's just reading. :P

Meeting people

Went to meet up with Davi for her graduation, and ended up just having a drink with her, and she was off to meet up with her family. So I ended up having lunch with her friend. And we just instantly became friends. It's funny how sometimes you can just meet someone through a friend and instantly click. (Petey and I met through friends too. Ah well :P)

Anyway, we were then talking about our study/work. She being a law graduate and me being an engineer, it's quite amazing how I couldn't imagine surviving in law, and she can't imagine working in engineering. But we are quite similar in a lot of ways. Odd.

Human is definitely an interesting species. :)

Lots of movies :D

Last weekend have been a bit of a movie feast, mostly because I can't be bothered doing anything else, so we just stayed home and watch things. :)

Battle Royale

We finally got around to watching it. It was actually better than I thought. I still love the video tape that they used to explain to the students what's happening. It was just... weird. But the movie was actually very good, and a bit less gory than I expected. :)

Silence of the Lamb

Also finally got around to watch that too. Read the book but never really got around to watch the film. Dad used to forbid me to watch anything scary and that's around the time when it came out I guess. But yeah, besides the fact that I'll always think the book is better (with the possible exception for Lord of the Rings), the movie was pretty good too I guess. It actually sticks with the book pretty well. :)

FLCL

Technically not to movie, but we watched all 6 epsiode in one go. I think calling it weird didn't quite cover it. It was... yes, strange. I'll still recommend that to people who enjoy something like Monty Python. Although it's not so much that it's not PC, it's more that... it's random. You can't help but to wonder how they came out with it. Watch it if you liek strange stuff as much as I do, but don't say I haven't warn you.

Underworld

I've already watched it in the cinema, but Pete hasn't. I thought I'll rent it out since he always wanted to see it. Probably the least noteworthy of this weekend's viewing, but meh: cool weapons and gothic clothes are all good. :)

Work and whatnot

Went to another counsellor meeting today, and talked about my culture issue problem. I think just by talking about it at least I can understand more about it. And the counsellor does help to understand the underlining problems with various thing. So that's good.

There's an overwhelming amount of work to be done these days, and it's hard to just get into it coz the maths is kinda icky. Hopefully after playing with a few things I can actually get somewhere. I think I have a vague idea of what has to be done, I just need to actually try to materialise it.

Also need to get ready for various competition. I was quite confident before but now I'm not too sure. Ah well, whatever will be, will be.

Various thoughts on "Happiness"

It's funny. I was going to write something on happiness, and the first thing I thought of was the song, and the various memories that went with it. It's funny how my mind works.

I still think life is all about the pursuit of happiness, which is a bit like bull fighting. You have to have the courage to just go for it, and grab hold of opportunities as it comes by, otherwise you're just going to end up being hurt.

Well, maybe not exactly like bull fighting.

I suppose it's a scary thought: to go for something that's outside of people's comfort zone, in order to pursuit this idea of happiness. But I suppose it's a risk you have to take if you want to be happy.

Life should be easier. I know.

Regarding the song: It's a sad song to start with. It doesn't hurt me too much anymore.

Serenity

Went watched the preview screening of the movie Serenity last night, and it was SO good! Even though I ended up being quite sick because we were watching it on mega screen and action movie on mega screen is bad...

Anyway. Was going into work today but at the end I ended up staying at home. That's okay though. I can catch up with people, and try to research. (yeah right)

Wish me luck :P

Better than Caffeine!

Well, maybe not better, but it certainly woke me up when caffeine didn't help. Today is one of those really icky days where it rains and feels like winter when it's supposed to be spring already. Very depressing. I woke up too early, and was almost falling asleep in the office, until I've decided to go get lunch. Yup freezing cold woke up me. I still perfer caffeine, but nothing wakes me up better than haivng freezing cold pierce into my bones. o_O

The election in the past weekend has been interesting. It was extremely close, and both of the major party claims they can form a coalition. Ah. The beauty that is MMP.

Okie, I'm going to try to at least do some work while I'm still awake. Wish me luck.

Ah... Youth

I know. I'm only 24. But seeing all these undergrads all dressed up for the final year project, I can't help but to feela bit old. I was there only a few years ago. All dressed up in my suit, looking all professional. Now I'm just trying to at lesat look like I'm a student rather than a staff. *sniff*

There are, as usual, some pretty nifty project. So I might pop down later to have a look.

Other than that I think today's going to be one of those really distracting day. I forgot to take my paper into uni, which means I can't summerise the abnormal babies EEG today. Ah well. I think I should have enough to keep me busy for a while though. That's lucky I guess...

Forcing myself to work...

Yesterday was VERY unproductive. I managed to solve the new Grow (with RPG goodness) with just a few tries. THAT I was proud of. Then Petey told me about SphereXP, which is this little app to make the WindowsXP desktop into this 3D version, so your windows are inside this sphere. It's very nifty, but also a big time time waster.

So I think today I'm going to have to actually force myself to work. I haven't even read fark or slashdot yet. That's how determined I am. Granted I also haven't done anywork. But it's just a matter of time.

Well. I hope. :)

Racism, Gas Prices, and other random readings

Ah... back at home today. Besides a MAJOR sleep in, I also get to do very little work and not feel guilty. Well, okay, less guilty.

Below is a list of articles I've read today which I feel I like to share, and a few other other random stuff I feel an urge to share. As I do. For best effect, read it with Bohemian Rhapsody playing. (Coz it's playing as I write this. :P)

Asians in NZ subjected to racism, study finds

A study shows that many Asians in NZ are subjected to racism of some sort. Most of what it says rings true. I do have something to say with this particular quote though:

Wellington Chinese Association president Steven Young said he was "not surprised" by the report's findings, but it was disappointing for new migrants to find themselves not wholly accepted.

"Racism is not so much a problem for Asian New Zealanders who have grown up here and gone through the school system and have Kiwi speech patterns," he said.

Okay, YES I think new migrants have a lot more problems, but for bananas like myself, there's still a certain amount of racism, and it's not actually that much better, if not worse. I've been here since I was 12, and I was picked on when I first came here, which makes me sort of resent the fact that I'm Chinese. It took me a long time to even learn that it's okay to put my last name in my email. And once I had a car accident, and bam: "bloody Asian driver". I still get patronised because people automatically assume I can't speak English if I'm Chinese. Granted a lot of the time, if not all of the time, people who automatically jump to that conclusion are peopel who really don't count, but it still hurts somewhere deep down.

Yes I'll talk to my counsellor about my whole cultural identidy issue. I'll get there.

Here's a way to force gas stations to lower their prices

Came across this from fark, and here is their advice:

But one of the best ways to fight gasoline prices is for consumers to boycott gas stations' convenience stores. Pay cash where possible; do not use an oil company credit card, because you are paying an even higher price when the interest rate is figured in at the end of every month.

Skeptical? I am. But then again I always am. I just wonder just how much they are earning because of the convenience store sales. Mind you I could only find The Dog mascot in one BP store though, which is annoying. Anyway, back to gas prices. I ahve to say even though I'm still a bit skeptical, it does seems more logical then the whole "boycott the station for a day" crap I've been recieving in email. I would LOVE to try the whole "everyone try to boycott ONE store" strategy but it's hard to get the whole country to follow suit you see. So yeah, maybe this IS the easiest plan to follow. Besides the stuff they sell are quite overpriced.

These is no free lunches

Speaking of email forwards, I got one that say if I sign up this list and get five others to sign up I get a free colour iPod. *sigh* Sometimes I don't know how people buy into these things. Not to mention the terms and condition already said you can only get the iPod if you're an US citizen. *sigh*. I got to give it to the guys who come up with this scheme though. But what process people to think you can get a free iPod for nothing is beyond me.

Novel way to fund raise

This is beyond novel, in fact it's cruel, but here it is:

Suggested by a few members of the student council, the school is playing Hanson's 1996 hit "MMMBop" through the loudspeakers before classes begin, between periods and during lunch. The idea? Annoy students into donating; have them pay to stop the music.

The goal is $3,000, which could be reached if each of the 659 students donates $5.

"MMMBop" has been playing since Wednesday, and the school has raised about $2,300 so far.

Hell, I'll donate straight away. *shiver*

Neonatal Polygraphy in Full-Term and Premature Infants: A Review of Normal and Abnormal Findings

No I haven't read it yet, but I have to read it today and summarise the whole thing. *sigh*. Which is what I plan to do now. All 50 pages of it. Yay me...*sigh*

Sleeping in

I found that, as I grow up, I don't really look forward to holiday as much as I look forward to a good sleep in. In most people's cases it's the same thing: you get to sleep in during holidays. But when you're a post-grad, well, you can pretty much sleep in everyday if you want.

Unless, of course, you catch a ride with your dear undergrad brother who has 9am labs twice a week.

But, lucky for me, today wasn't one of those two days. I get to sleep in til 9:45. And since I was SO tired the day before, it was just... blissful.

I don't really think it'd help my productivity, but at least I actually don't feel half asleep all day long. I might possibly even do some work today! Well. Maybe.

Fun stuff to do

Since, as I said before, I'm not particularly motivated today, all I did so far was change my GUI to make even prettier graph, went to the robotics lab to play with the train model (which I named Train-zilla) and see Toby's optic-fiber "wobbling thingy", which isn't what you think (get your mind out of the gutter!). And submitted my poster to a poster competition, because it's A LOT more fun then working on my project. And then I came across this which is a very handy site to confirm your graduation status. I still don't know exactly what it's for, considering you have to be graduated to be on that site, and it gives the name and degree and that's about it. I suppose it's good to check for people's CV. But they people still can't check whether they are going to graduate.

Anyway, mindless rambling aside, I did a few searches on friends back in in my intermediate days whom I haven't heard from since, well, intermediate. I guess I've never been one to be good with keeing in touch, but it's still quite interesting to see where people end up, and see how much people change over the years. Well, maybe not THAT much. I'm still a geek, and probbaly always have been (and damn proud of it :P). But somehow it still brings an enormous sense of nostalgia. I can't help but to wonder where these people are now, and whether I'll ever see them again. There are quite a few of them that I'd really like to catch up with, but funny enough, with internet and all, I sitll haven't managed to find any of them.

Ah well. Life is funny like that. Maybe one day I'll bump into someone. (Then again, I wonder if I can still recognise them...)

Okie, back to reading papers. *sigh*

Lack of motivation and whatnots

It's Monday morning, and I've having a VERY low motivation day even for Monday morning. It's a strange mixture for being tired, stressed, paranoid, and overwhelmed.

As research goes, I think I'm up to the point where I can actually start to do some really decent work, except I'm starting to be ovewhelmed by the scope of the work. Everyone is scared to step into the unknown I guessed, but that's not particularly comforting really. I wish I know how this will all turn out, but I can't. And it's kinda this uncertainty that makes me kinda, well, edgy I guess.

I've also been sick for a good part of the past week, which doesn't help my stress situation.

It does help to read about comments left on this blog though. Somehow when I write this, I never really expect people to really read it, and it's quite touching to see that not only is it being read, people actually care enough to leave a message, and for that I'm grateful. It still makes my day to see that my thought reaches someone I've never met before, and they too share their thoughts. All thanks to the wonder of the internet.

I probably should go and get some work done now. Wich me luck. *sigh*

And Life has a funny way...

I know, I updated today already.

I just got a message on flork from someone I haven't been talking to, and he just commented on how he found it quite inspiring that someone who came from a completely different culture (not to mention language backgrounds) could overcome the difference and come back up to the top. I wouldn't say I'm quite "at the top", or anywhere near as far as I can see. But it does serve as a reality check. Looking back, maybe I have came a long way. In a sense, compared with what I did when I first came over here, and the struggle involved to get to where I am now, maybe the PhD research isn't as bad as I thought. At least I know what I'm doing. I think.

Life has a funny way to remind you of little things like that.

Self Doubt

Didn't update my blog in the past two days, since I was quite sick. I'm getting better now though.

I think I'm starting to doubt myself again, and I'm not even too sure why. I know my progress isn't going too badly, and I know what I need to do next. But somehow it doesn't really comfort me too much. Possibly because of the medical school episode. But I think I'll try to use that postgrad competition as a bit of a feedback as to how well I'm doing. I'm just worried that maybe it'd confirm my worst fear and actually makes me panic even more.

Maybe I'll be more productive if I'm not too paranoid, but really: I just ain't too sure about myself anymore.

A Matter of Faith

I sometimes think I must be one of the worst Christians on Earth. Not only do I not go to church, I also have a lot of issues with quite a few of the church's teaching. I even doubtes whether my prayer is being heard at all sometimes.

And then I think about how I act: maybe I'm not too bad afterall. I repect everythign and everyone, besides maybe when it comes to insects (it's my phobia...). I tried my best to love everyone, and not judge people.

But THEN I think: I DO judge people. I still gossip, and talks about people behind their back. Although I can't help but to do it, it's part of my pattern recognition system to teach me how to deal with people. Is that how us human works? Or am I just finding excuses?

Although I can't help but to think whether God really DO want us to go to church, or if the Church is the one who insist on it. It's getting hard to tell sometimes. That's why scares me.

Well, I suppose if I do my best, no one can blame me. It's just that my best is probably still not good enough. :|

Trivial Details.

Do bear with me today. I'm just a bit sick. (I think it's just a lack of sleep. Didn't sleep til late and woke up at 6 this morning. Not good)

Anyway, I've been thinking about why I want to write this blog at all. Especially when most of the time I ended up withing things like "I have sushis for lunch" or "I hate work". It sounds a bit like my daily email to Pete, bar the mushy part.

I started writing this hoping to share a bit of my thought, a bit of my life, and basically have somewhere I can talk my head off, and friends can read it to see what I'm up to lately. But really, reading it sometimes bre myself to death.

Am I spending too much time of life's trivial details and missing the big picture? I can't help but to think maybe I have. Sometimes I spend so much time thinking about what to have for lunch, or just worried about when I should do line up to get my sushi, that I don't really think I'm spending much quality time at all.

I hope I haven't made my work my life. It might be a wee bit difficult too knowing how slack I am sometimes. But I looked back, even my diary seems boring. I guess different things matter as I grow up, and now it's all just the little trivial things.

It's almost depressing. And sometimes I think it's a chronical disease that a lot of young people feels nowsdays. The world sometimes are overwhelmingly full of the trivials, and I heard countless of friend telling me about how they are unhappy about where they're at, or feel like they're in a rut.

I think the key just lie in getting your priorities right. Problem is how to stick of that priority list.

Back from trip :)

I thought I'll just post that photo there to make people feel a bit jealous. :P It was a very good trip, lots of reading and doing nothing. I also managed to cook for most of the trip and survived. It's quite relaxing.

Now that I'm back, I think I should really try to work on the next bit of my research. Exactly what it is I'm not too sure yet. But I'll find out.

Didn't really feel like getting back to work today yet, so I think I'll just settled for "brainstorming what to do next". With a bit of luck I'll get back to normal by next week.